The Second of the Three P's...

He's on a roll!  
And I'm loving it!  
I hope you are, too!


Girls, this is stuff we know our husbands should know.
But many times they don't know.
So, grab them 
along with a nice glass of wine (not whine), 
read this together, 
and then kiss!  
*smack*



The Gift of Presence

What better gift to give your family than yourself.  Once our priorities are straight, the next thing that follows should be a greater sense of presence in the home. It’s just a natural outflow of prioritizing Christ and family in our lives.

Not that anyone reading this would question the importance of dads being fully engaged at home, but to bring the weight of this issue to bear, ponder this:

* The University of Texas at Austin conducted a survey and 91% of the fathers surveyed agreed there is a “father-absence crisis in America.”  What are the major obstacles facing dads:  1) Work demands, 2) Media, 3) Pop Culture, 4) Finances

* The connection between healthy child development and engaged fathers in the home is unquestionable.  Studies have shown that the influence of fathers positively affects school performance, thinking skills, social development, and moral development.

* Daughters who feel their fathers care a lot about them have significantly fewer instances of suicide, eating disorders, low self-esteem, depression, and substance use.

 

* And the studies don’t just apply to single parent homes where fathers are absent!  Researchers at Columbia found that children living in 2 parent homes where the relationship with the father was poor were 68% more likely to smoke, drink and use drugs.

I don’t think we really need the stats to emphasize the point.  We all know the positive influence an involved father has on their children’s lives, and the negative impact a disengaged or absent father can have.  Not to mention the impact it will have on your marriage!  But what does it look like to be present in a modern day family? 

There seem to be some misconceptions about this in our day and age.  The image of a detached dad who is a spectator more than a participant in the home is a very common image of fatherhood in America.  

As men we can probably go ahead and admit there is a degree of passivity that has overtaken us.  It can be traced back to Adam, and continues to this day.  It’s actually a little odd when you think about it. Many of us are go-getters at work.  We take charge at the office and in meetings.  We get things done, push through work, manage people, and have great initiative. 

But when we get home we can be withdrawn.  We may check out, or retire to our man cave (or whatever our escape valve is).  When it comes to the chaos at home (which there always is if you have kids) we tend to be compliant rather than assertive. We don’t take initiative on decisions or problem solving when it comes to the weightier matters like spiritual leadership, discipline, sacrifice and service.  In other words, we don’t lead.

Presence involves so much more than just being physically around.  Some dads are simply absent (physically), but some are absent (emotionally) even when they’re present (physically).  To a certain extent that was me. 

So I’m striving to be present, both physically and emotionally.  I want to be there for my family and to be fully engaged, but it’s difficult.  The old ways are hard to shake and as I’ve learned presence is a full contact sport!

So what does it look like?  How can we be more present at home?  Here are a few suggestions that I’m trying and that may work for you:

1.    Lead.  This may look different for everyone but make sure the buck stops with you. This is a big one.  On the big issues make sure you know where you stand. If there are discipline issues, you own it.  A problem with the neighbor, you solve it.  Spiritual development, you initiate it.  Prayer time, you lead it.  As much as possible, take charge of your family and allow your wife to support you.   They will thank you for it.  Plus God has entrusted them to your care.  Lead and nurture them as Christ does for us.

2.    Take initiative.  Oftentimes there are unspoken issues that need to be addressed between spouses, or parents and children.  We’re good at sweeping this stuff under the rug and hoping it just goes away.  Don’t allow yourself to think it will magically evaporate.  It won’t.  Take the initiative to communicate with your spouse and children, especially on touchy and difficult subjects. 

3.    Listen.  When your wife and children are speaking, pay attention.  Ask questions.  It may not be a big deal to you but it is to them.  If you’re distracted, tell them to give you a minute then give them your full attention.

4.   Turn off the technology.  I mentioned this in a prior blog post but it’s so true.  Computers, phones, TVs, you name it.  They are distractions.  Your work, the news, your boss; they all can wait.  Your family needs you to be there so turn off the gizmos.  We instituted a “computer covenant” at home where the gadgets have to be off during certain times, and Joy just gives me a gentle nudge when I forget (which I tend to do!).

5.    Dinnertime.  Do your best to make it home for dinner.  Table time is great time to find out how your wife and children’s day was.  This is tough, I know.  As a professional, dinnertime hours tend to be active time at the office.  But these are some of the hard choices we need to make.

6.   Take interest in the details.  Know what your wife has planned each day.  Attend school meetings, sporting events, social outings, school lunches.  Know as much as you can about your wife and children – teachers’ names, homework, what they enjoy, favorite food, color, songs, whatever.   You may be surprised!

7.    Play time.  Have fun.  Go on hikes, go swimming, play soccer, apple picking, camping, reading, bike riding, tickling.  The giggles are intoxicating!

I wish I could put into words what this has meant to our family.  All I can say is that the difference in how we relate to one another, how much fun we have, and how Joy and the children have responded is monumental. 

Give your family the gift of presence and you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about; hopefully you already do.  I always was a slow learner!