Trick-or-Treating, with a Blessing

Okay, y'all know us by now.

We don't do things the "normal" way.

We are a bit fruity.

But we like it that way!

We want to be different.

We want to look different than the world.

We want to live a life that is a little bit radical.

Oh, let's see...let's take Halloween as an example.

I promise I'm not getting all judgmental on you 

or trying to make you feel guilty 

for how you and your family choose to celebrate Halloween.

This is just how our family does it.

As a disclaimer, I've never liked Halloween.

I hate scary stuff.

H.A.T.E.    I.T. 

I find it annoying when my doorbell rings constantly.

And it irks me to no end when kids reach into the bowl, 

grab a handful of candy, 

stuff it into their already full bags, 

and walk away without even a thank you.

And if I want a lot of candy, I'll just go to Target and buy a bag.

Oh, and I take it pretty seriously when Scripture links witchcraft, divination, sorcery to evil and how much the Lord hates it and warns us to have nothing to do with it.

So, how do we deal with Halloween with 4 children but a mom who could do without it?

We bless others...

while still getting dressed up in fun costumes...

and still getting candy...

and staying up past our bedtime...

and still having a whole bunch of fun.

Each year, we take our children to a local retirement community to trick-or-treat.

The girls love it!

In fact, Taylor kept asking, "When are we going to the retirement home for Halloween?"

It blesses me that my children delight in bringing others the joy of the Lord.

You should have seen the precious faces of these men and women

 as my 4 paraded in the dining room.

It was priceless.

Hopefully, my children are learning that holidays aren't all about getting.

But giving.

(More on this tomorrow...)

The Third P - Prayer

Hey folks -

Well, Scott's been quiet.  

But it's not for lack of something to say. 

No.  

He was working diligently.  

Collecting his thoughts.  

Saving his best for the last.  

(Or so he says, but I believe he's on to this blogging thing!)

Please women, this one is a biggie.

It's foundational.

Grab your guy.  

Encourage a good challenge. 

Or better yet, just pray for his heart to be conformed into the likeness of Christ!

A.W. Tozer often said “As a man prays, so is he.” As one of the greatest evangelists of the last century, Tozer considered prayer the most sacred occupation of man.  Everything thing he did (preaching, teaching, living) flowed from his fervent prayer life.  In fact, he was so passionate about practicing the presence of God that some people would open their eyes when he prayed to see if God was next to him.

If ever there was a subject that deserved more than a cursory discussion, it’s prayer. What follows will not (and could not) convey the shear weight of importance that prayer plays in our marriages and families.  It is crucial for us to lead spiritually in order to fulfill our covenant role as head of our families, and prayer is central to that leadership.

As husbands and fathers, we must take this seriously.  Dismissing prayer is like saying you don’t need to breathe today.  It is our lifeline. So if we are not regularly in prayer (alone and with our wives and children), if we are not initiating it and leading our families in it, if there is a faint desire to commune with God and be with Him in prayer, we need to examine our lives and ask why.

I finally got to a point where I had to be honest and admit this was a struggle for me.  I deeply desire a strong prayer life and to pursue God with passion, but there are so many obstacles and distractions. John Piper said that Twitter and facebook are proof positive that prayerlessness in our day is not due to a lack of time.  I couldn’t agree more.  Sadly, it’s due to something much deeper. 

There are many obstacles to prayer in our lives including busyness, misplaced priorities, sin, and spiritual warfare.  The one obstacle that scares me the most for myself and other fathers is self-reliance.  In our society, we have become so self-reliant that we are in danger of failing to believe God and trust in Him.   And it shows in our prayer lives.

I look around and see a church culture that is less and less dependent on prayer and the power of God, and more concerned with numbers, and metrics and programs. I see men less consumed with God’s Word and His work in their lives and more concerned with sports, and politics, and social mobility. I see Christians content to settle for what is possible and realistic instead of praying for God to manifest His miraculous and supernatural power through His people.  We trust so much in our resources and not in God.

I feel like we’ve forgotten the basics.  At this very moment, do you believe that God holds your breath in His hands?  That your entire existence hinges upon His incredible mercy and grace?  That your life, your children, your family, your job, your home, your health, everything you have (yes even your faith) are miraculous gifts from a loving Creator?  Do you believe He is bigger than any problem you’re experiencing right now?  

The bottom line is we have strayed.  Our lack of trust in God is one of the most obvious reasons (in my mind) we have weak prayer lives.  And so the foundations (marriages, families, homes) start to crumble.

In my limited experience, a thriving prayer life begins with humility. In my life, God is the most active when I am the most broken.  This is the one whom He esteems: he who is humble, contrite in spirit and trembles at my word.  Isaiah 66:2. If only we would display such humility instead of the arrogance, and pride and puffing up that marks many of our gatherings.  A heart felt confession of brokenness and hunger for God would do wonders for our marriages and families and the church.  If only we would acknowledge our desperate need of Him and be continually astonished by His grace.

Some people say prayer is deeply personal and private.  I consider it deeply intimate. Prayer ushers us into the presence of God and draws us close to others in ways that are unexplainable.  I have felt closer to my wife, my children and my friends through prayer than through anything else.

I must confess sometimes I’ve been intimidated by prayer.  Not knowing what to say or how to say it.  In those moments, I find a quiet stillness before God is the best approach.  But prayer doesn’t have to be wordy, or eloquent, or poetic.  The objective is not to impress.  Prayer should be sincere and heartfelt.  The smallest and shortest of prayers are often the most beautiful and grandest.  Faith like a child.

For those dads that struggle, I pray you break out of your shell. If you need help, seek out like-minded men. Pray for your family, your children and your marriage.  They need your leadership and you need to lead.  Even if you’re not comfortable praying with your wife or family, please step out in faith!  Grab your family by the hand and lead them to the Father.  Trust Him and He will meet you right where you are.

Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you.  James 4:10.

Can You Help?

Hi friends!

I have a favor to ask.

It will take about 3 minutes of your time.

But the impact could change the lives of many imprisoned children

SixtyFeet serves in Uganda

Please go to Giving of Life and cast a vote.

Seriously, it’s as simple as clicking the word “vote” on the left side of the webpage.

And if you register on their site, you get extra votes.

(Don’t worry – if you register, you can un-click the “Keep In Touch” box

and you won’t receive any unwanted emails.)

And if you tweet about this,

you get extra votes.

That’s it.

Yup. It’s that simple.

You click.

You vote.

SixtyFeet moves into the top 20 ministries.

We become eligible to win a grant for $50,000.

Lives are changed.

It takes a few minutes and it will cost you nothing.

But it could literally make a world of difference

to the children SixtyFeet serves in Uganda.

Please go.

Vote.

Register.

Vote again.

Tweet.

Share the link.

Do you know what could be done with $50,000 in Uganda?!?

How Far Would You Go?

Adoption can be a tricky gig.

There are lots of unknowns.

And I mean, LOTS of unknowns.

What will your child really be like?

Will you like him or her?

Will he or she like you?

Is my child HIV+?

Are there other health issues?

Am I strong enough to handle the ups and downs?

Will I treat my bio children differently from my adopted children?

How much will it cost?

How long will it take?

How long will I have to stay in-country?

What if the judge gives a different ruling than what I wanted?

What if the judge says I'll have to stay in-country for a much longer time than I planned?

Like, maybe 3 years?

Do I just leave this child for whom I prayed and head back home?

Do I make this child's country my new home?

Do I forsake all else for the cause of Christ?

These are not hypothetical questions either.

These are questions many of my friends (both cyber and real life) deal with daily.

I have a dear friend who used to live on the other side of the country from me.

She now lives on the other side of the world from me.

She and I have laughed together.

We have cried together.

We have prayed together.

We have served together.

We have loved together.

While I can't share her story
 (perhaps one day, because it's shaping up to be a really awesome God story!),

I do want to ask for your help in supporting her family.

They are literally around the world

living moment by moment,

living in faith step by step,

trusting God for every little thing.

A mutual bloggy friend has a really awesome fundraiser going on.

She is selling these beautiful ornaments (among other cool things).

And 100% of the funds raised go directly to The Ribbens Family.

I bought 10.

I'll probably buy some more.

Everyone needs one of these on their tree.

Just to help them remember.

That Christ was born in a humble state.

Only to die for those He loves.

Even the little children in Africa.

The Second of the Three P's...

He's on a roll!  
And I'm loving it!  
I hope you are, too!


Girls, this is stuff we know our husbands should know.
But many times they don't know.
So, grab them 
along with a nice glass of wine (not whine), 
read this together, 
and then kiss!  
*smack*



The Gift of Presence

What better gift to give your family than yourself.  Once our priorities are straight, the next thing that follows should be a greater sense of presence in the home. It’s just a natural outflow of prioritizing Christ and family in our lives.

Not that anyone reading this would question the importance of dads being fully engaged at home, but to bring the weight of this issue to bear, ponder this:

* The University of Texas at Austin conducted a survey and 91% of the fathers surveyed agreed there is a “father-absence crisis in America.”  What are the major obstacles facing dads:  1) Work demands, 2) Media, 3) Pop Culture, 4) Finances

* The connection between healthy child development and engaged fathers in the home is unquestionable.  Studies have shown that the influence of fathers positively affects school performance, thinking skills, social development, and moral development.

* Daughters who feel their fathers care a lot about them have significantly fewer instances of suicide, eating disorders, low self-esteem, depression, and substance use.

 

* And the studies don’t just apply to single parent homes where fathers are absent!  Researchers at Columbia found that children living in 2 parent homes where the relationship with the father was poor were 68% more likely to smoke, drink and use drugs.

I don’t think we really need the stats to emphasize the point.  We all know the positive influence an involved father has on their children’s lives, and the negative impact a disengaged or absent father can have.  Not to mention the impact it will have on your marriage!  But what does it look like to be present in a modern day family? 

There seem to be some misconceptions about this in our day and age.  The image of a detached dad who is a spectator more than a participant in the home is a very common image of fatherhood in America.  

As men we can probably go ahead and admit there is a degree of passivity that has overtaken us.  It can be traced back to Adam, and continues to this day.  It’s actually a little odd when you think about it. Many of us are go-getters at work.  We take charge at the office and in meetings.  We get things done, push through work, manage people, and have great initiative. 

But when we get home we can be withdrawn.  We may check out, or retire to our man cave (or whatever our escape valve is).  When it comes to the chaos at home (which there always is if you have kids) we tend to be compliant rather than assertive. We don’t take initiative on decisions or problem solving when it comes to the weightier matters like spiritual leadership, discipline, sacrifice and service.  In other words, we don’t lead.

Presence involves so much more than just being physically around.  Some dads are simply absent (physically), but some are absent (emotionally) even when they’re present (physically).  To a certain extent that was me. 

So I’m striving to be present, both physically and emotionally.  I want to be there for my family and to be fully engaged, but it’s difficult.  The old ways are hard to shake and as I’ve learned presence is a full contact sport!

So what does it look like?  How can we be more present at home?  Here are a few suggestions that I’m trying and that may work for you:

1.    Lead.  This may look different for everyone but make sure the buck stops with you. This is a big one.  On the big issues make sure you know where you stand. If there are discipline issues, you own it.  A problem with the neighbor, you solve it.  Spiritual development, you initiate it.  Prayer time, you lead it.  As much as possible, take charge of your family and allow your wife to support you.   They will thank you for it.  Plus God has entrusted them to your care.  Lead and nurture them as Christ does for us.

2.    Take initiative.  Oftentimes there are unspoken issues that need to be addressed between spouses, or parents and children.  We’re good at sweeping this stuff under the rug and hoping it just goes away.  Don’t allow yourself to think it will magically evaporate.  It won’t.  Take the initiative to communicate with your spouse and children, especially on touchy and difficult subjects. 

3.    Listen.  When your wife and children are speaking, pay attention.  Ask questions.  It may not be a big deal to you but it is to them.  If you’re distracted, tell them to give you a minute then give them your full attention.

4.   Turn off the technology.  I mentioned this in a prior blog post but it’s so true.  Computers, phones, TVs, you name it.  They are distractions.  Your work, the news, your boss; they all can wait.  Your family needs you to be there so turn off the gizmos.  We instituted a “computer covenant” at home where the gadgets have to be off during certain times, and Joy just gives me a gentle nudge when I forget (which I tend to do!).

5.    Dinnertime.  Do your best to make it home for dinner.  Table time is great time to find out how your wife and children’s day was.  This is tough, I know.  As a professional, dinnertime hours tend to be active time at the office.  But these are some of the hard choices we need to make.

6.   Take interest in the details.  Know what your wife has planned each day.  Attend school meetings, sporting events, social outings, school lunches.  Know as much as you can about your wife and children – teachers’ names, homework, what they enjoy, favorite food, color, songs, whatever.   You may be surprised!

7.    Play time.  Have fun.  Go on hikes, go swimming, play soccer, apple picking, camping, reading, bike riding, tickling.  The giggles are intoxicating!

I wish I could put into words what this has meant to our family.  All I can say is that the difference in how we relate to one another, how much fun we have, and how Joy and the children have responded is monumental. 

Give your family the gift of presence and you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about; hopefully you already do.  I always was a slow learner!

The First of the Three P's

My blog's been hijacked by my husband.  

So, girls, grab your guys once again.  

This one hits where it hurts, but it's rreeeaaaalllllyyyyy good!  

Priorities
The First of the Three P's

When I thought about writing a few posts, I was thinking it would be primarily for men.  Since I suspect nearly 99% of the people who read this are ladies, I guess I may not be reaching my target audience!  But in reality this stuff applies to all of us.  I do hope some men are able to read this and benefit though.

One disclaimer before proceeding.  This is merely my perspective.  I realize there are other vantage points and I don’t mean to offend anyone by what I say.  Rather based on my personal experience, what I see around me, and what I know of other families who are similarly situated to ours, these issues seem to be very prevalent, if not ubiquitous.  So I don’t intend to judge, but I do intend to challenge.

Of the “Three P’s”, priorities is one that is foundational. Without it, the other two (presence and prayer) will suffer or be virtually non-existent.  Not that long ago, I would have said my priorities were in line.  At least I would have said that prior to an incident (actually a few of them) that opened my eyes to see the truth. 

Without sharing too much, the incident involved an abdication (not delegation – there’s a difference) of responsibility for important matters in our home.  Due to a lack of leadership, Joy had to fill in the gap (or gaps) without my support or direction.  She was left to fend for herself – abandoned by her husband (not physically but in other ways).  Something God never intended men to do to their wives.

I don’t think I intentionally neglected this area (or any other area) of our family.  Comparatively, I was probably doing pretty well.  But there is only one standard and by His standard, I was falling short.  That’s hard for a man to admit!  It makes the hair on our neck stand up when we’re challenged, particularly in this area.  It sure made mine stand up!  But it was true and I was blinded to it.  I had a wake up call, and hopefully others may as well.

When I think of priorities I think of a list.  Some things on the list take precedence over others and there’s one thing at the top which trumps all of them.  The one up top is the one that you devote the majority of your time and energy to.   When pressed to choose between others, this is the one you don’t sacrifice.

A friend once said to me, give me your calendar and your checkbook and I’ll tell you what’s important in your life.  How does your calendar and your checkbook look?  Where are you spending the bulk of your time and energy, and why?

Many men in the church say that God and family are the top priorities in their lives.  But when you look at their lives, it really makes you question whether that’s true. The disconnect between words and actions does not go unnoticed by others, especially our wives and children. 

We claim to love God but don’t regularly lead our families in prayer or devotions (or spend much time in the Word ourselves).  We claim to put our families first but aren’t at home for dinners or on weekends, and even if we are, we’re usually distracted.  We express our love oftentimes through material possessions rather than time and affection, sending a mixed message about what is truly important.

One of the excuses I have used, and seen many other fathers use, is that we need to provide for our families.  We have bills to pay, man!  Mortgages, tuition, food, power, car payments, loans; the burden is mighty.   So if we don’t work (or maybe if both spouses don’t work) how will all of this be taken care of?

To a certain extent, I would agree.  Some families (particularly these days) struggle to make ends meet.  But many families I know are well provided for and yet there is a discontent that pervades their lives.  They want more!  More compensation, more recognition at work, a bigger house, nicer clothes, more security, better vacations, shinier things, more comforts.

So in the midst of abundance - where God has more than adequately provided for all our needs - we are still dissatisfied.  And as a result, we have dissatisfied children.  We wonder why our kids complain and moan, when in reality they are reflecting our grumbling spirit. 

The Word tells us that “Godliness with contentment is great gain”; that “if we have food and clothing, with these we will be content”; we ask God to give us neither poverty nor riches but simply our daily bread.  As I write this, I feel even in my own spirit a sense of insincerity with respect to these verses.  Who among us is honestly content with our daily bread?  If we’re honest with ourselves and others we would admit that we want so much more.  We’re discontent and our priorities are skewed as a result.

Idolatrous hearts and the praise of man (rather than the fear of God) drive us to find satisfaction in things other than Christ, and we suffer.  Families are wasting away because of it rather than resting in a merciful God who has redeemed us from all that!

And to justify our covetous hearts we somehow equate God’s blessing with financial prosperity.  As if our success is a tangible sign of God’s favor.  There’s no doubt God has blessed certain families who have in turn given abundantly to Kingdom purposes.  But you usually hear the opposite. If God blesses me, I can give or serve the Kingdom more abundantly.  We should remember there’s always a cost to pursuing worldly treasure!

The question we should ask is what (or better yet Whom) are we pursuing and why?  Are you pursuing God or His blessings?  Do you want more of Him or just more of His stuff?   I see a lot of men pursuing the latter at the expense of the Former.  The result is an emptiness within many families.  A chasing after the wind that will never fulfill.  Moreover, families that are supposed to be salt and light, simply look like everyone else in the world with very little distinction.

The bottom line is my priorities were off, and I saw the impact it was having on my family.  The good news is that our God is a God of redemption. The years the locusts have eaten have been restored.  He has upheld our family in incredible ways ever since I made significant shifts in my priorities.  For me, that involved leaving a lucrative position, slowing down at work to focus my attention on my family, and ministering to them spiritually and emotionally.  And somehow the bills still get paid!  Incredible how that works. 

One last thing, since Joy and I have worked on and strengthened our relationship, my relationship with our girls is noticeably greater.  Not that it was bad before, but it’s so much fuller now.  If our relationship with our wife is suffering, then our relationship with our kids will suffer also.  They go hand in hand. 

So I would encourage husbands and fathers – please take a look at your priorities!  If they need to be readjusted, make some changes.  Talk to your wife openly about these issues.  Be humble enough to say “I’m sorry!” where it’s appropriate.  Be open to thoughts and suggestions from your spouse. 

Renew your love for Christ.  Pursue Him with the passion you profess with your mouth, and don’t let yourself get distracted with the cares of this world.  You may need to make some serious changes in how you live and it will be very difficult and uncomfortable I assure you.  But He will be there every step of the way.

Finally, let your wife know she’s the love of your life.

  

 Let your children know that you would move heaven and earth (if you could) to fight for them - that they are treasured in your eyes.

 Love them sacrificially.  I promise you will never regret it!